Descansa En Paz Ma'Lupe

Hace un mes que dejaste tu cuerpo. Todavía la siento en mi alma. Su
espíritu siempre estará en mi presencia y no le puedo empezár a decìr
cuanto la extraño. Me acuerdo de los dias antes de irme a nadar en el
mar cuantas horas jugabamos baraja. ¿Con Quían? era nuestro juego
preferido y siempre jugabamos con dinero. Ustéd con pesos, y yó con
dolares. Se lo juro que nunca sabia la diferencia del dinero hasta años
despues. Y cuando me enteré me dió mucha risa. Yo no sabia mucho de
usted, su personaje, ni como era cuando era joven. Pero lo que sí me
acuerdo es el respeto que usted tenia con toda la gente. Y como tenia
tanta fuerza para ayudarles a cualquier persona, con lo que sea. La
quiero mucho y la amo con todo mi corazón. Nunca olvidare sus consejos
de como ser una mujer. De la mejor manera de actuar en diferentes
situaciones, y el modo de ser con la gente.

La amo por el buen ejemplo que me ha demostrado en como debe ser una
mujer. Especialmente con los hombres ;-)

Contigo aprendi. Nadie mas.

Continue Resting In Peace Ma' Lupe; I cannot believe it has been one
month since you joined our Lord.

Redangity @ its finest

--------------------------------------- 3:42 pm
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SoulfulJenn: SHAKE & BAKE
--------------------------------------- 4:02 pm
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ｄavida: U bout to make sum?
SoulfulJenn: Uhh
SoulfulJenn: What.
--------------------------------------- 4:19 pm
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SoulfulJenn: MAKE SOME WHAT
SoulfulJenn: HollaHollaHollaHollaHollaHollaHollaHollaHollaHolla
SoulfulJenn: © Dave Chappelle Show
ｄavida: Lol
ｄavida: Bitch let me holla @cha
SoulfulJenn: Lmao
SoulfulJenn: I just holla'd atcho ass on Twitter
SoulfulJenn: JERKface!

Thanks Mom & Dad

..for bringing back that long lost memory of you lettin' me hold a
weapon at a young age. I can now be added to that site I was talkin' mad
shit about w/similar images.

Constant Battles..

"Nobody knows
My trouble
Nobody knows
I can't even sit & recline 'cause my life's in pitiful times
Plus a nigga's got some shit on his mind
Nobody knows
I'm not in a mood to play. I got bills to pay, so all my hungry hustlas put ya hands upwards."

"..I don't want you caught in the crossfire. My passion: you desire but leads you tangled in emotional barbed wire. Eventually, my intensity caused you injury, I never meant to be venomous.

"..then you got blasted by my heart's torpedo."

"..how will I ever marry 'em when I'm always scarin' em. They can't seem to handle livin' in my sanatorium (cuckoo). She fell in love w/personalities: 1 through 3 but then 6 more showed up like, 'Where the party?' Now she cant find me in the freakshow. Karma got me sowin' what I reap, so I'm stuck in the peep show of life: look, dont touch.

"..I'm not a killer, but don't press. Hot sex & being fresh is the best next to being blessed. Visions of patriotic colors in my head, what white do, make my life blue, all I see is red. Spend more & more of my time questioning thoughts divine like, 'What is sanity?' 'How do I know if I'm losing my mind?' Pick up the phone & hear my voice on the other line like, "Wassup, how you livin'? NOT FINE. You see, I had dreams to see my face on books & magazines plastered on billboards like I was Angeline. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, PUT YO HANDS TO THE CEILING. LET ME HEAR THE TROUBLED MAN SING.

"..they tell me to pray & thank God that I'm drug-free, slug-free & that at least a couple of fools love me but everytime I hit my knees, I cant help but ask for 10 million as I thank him for my health..

"..I got a find a better form of stress management 'cause when I see yo happiness I wanna damage it. I wanna exile myself in banishment 'cause agony will make you do some outlandish shit. & even though the pain, it hurts. The picture can always be painted worse, at least my hoopty aint a hearse..

"..if you want to ride with me, wanna try to see what it's like to be inside of me
Go in the water
& try to breathe
Come on."

*Disclaimer: none of that was me, that was all Sekou (tha Misfit) part of my daily inspiration. I would love to see him perform. He speaks truth. Speaks of pain, trouble, REALITY. Yes, he's faithful but his wit, his rhymes consist of a realist. & puts so much into perspective. Right now I'm going through constant battles. & unfortunately I feel the end of the war is not near. I won't ever give up though. I refuse to. I'm not supposed to. I'm meant for so much more.

You'll see.

10 Days Ago

I was hit w/POSSIBLY the 2nd worst day of my life.

Damn, already fillin' my eyes w/tears. This is gonna be good.

Another Thursday comes along so I took my brother to work around 5 then
came home to get ready to get back on the road. Left around 6:15 to L.A.
got back before 10. I text my brother asking him to call me when he gets
off work [which he said 11-11:30] so I can pick him up. SOON as I got
home, I went to sleep. Just laid Andrew down & once my body felt the bed
I was knocked out.

June 5, 2009.. Earrrrrly morning 1:17am. I wake up & I'm concerned.
Wondering if Carlos came home from work already. He hadn't. I text him
asking what the deal was. He replied, "Oh I got a ride." I asked him,
"Where are you?" He said he was with friends. Mind you, he's got school
in less than 7hrs. I told him to come home. He said, "Ok. I'll ask them
to take me home."

20mins pass.
I'm still awake.
I'm irritated.
I text him asking for his location.
He's at the movie theater.
I told him I was on my way. I arrive & text him that I'm there & he
needs to come out.

"Can you wait a few mins, it's bout to be over."
Are you fucking kidding me. Kid hasn't graduated yet, he was late to
work the day before because being sleep-deprived he went to sleep soon
as he got home from school. & instead of coming home after work, he's
staying up even longer. I don't want him being tired during school. I
care too much. Boyy do I. Because soon as he came out he asks me if I
can give his friend a ride. When I refused RUDELY, he said, "Well I'm
not gonna leave him." How could he not see what I've done to get him
home safely right now. I told him to get in the car & even took it as
far as saying how can he choose some dude over his fam, me. Again he
says, "I can't leave him." After hesitating, he finally gets in the
car.

If he had a ride, why did he ask me for one for his friend?

I commenced to talk to him, calmly.
He gets a phone-call & begins a conversation w/the caller while I'm
speaking to him. I'm heated. I asked him to hang up. He says no. That he
doesn't care what I have to say. & oddly, hearing him say that to me
while looking into my eyes released my anger for another fool to feel.
Sadness set in. Boy did it set in. I cried that night. & he saw me. I
didn't want him to see me. I didn't want him to not care some more you
know?

Here's this guy, 18 years young, that I've considered my best friend.
Someone I'd do anything for & have always had his back. Part of my
inspiration to adapt into these restless nights so he can have food on
the daily, & bills taken care of. & he couldn't just give me the
respect.

Where do I go from here? Why did I work hard? Have I been slapped in the
face w/the ungrateful? & why do I still care.

This feeling. Feeling of needing to take care of my bros & my mom has
got to stop. When will I find my dreams if I keep spending my time
making money for them? I mean, damn Jenn.

All in all, I certainly felt & know that for my brother Carlos, friends
mean more to him than I do. & whether that's just how he feels at this
age & will later realize blah blah the pain is real & the hurt remains.
I've forgiven him. But he's not one of my priorities anymore. I don't
know what's worse though. That I chose to not care about him as much or
that he doesn't care about my decision.

Either way, it's one hell of a wake up call.

& he's in deep sleep.

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

They say watch what you say over the net. Don't get personal. You're
sharing too much.

....

I have nothing to hide though. Yes, there are things I keep to myself,
but there aren't secrets. I'll tell you anything, if you ask.

Psyche psyche psyche.

Well, for the most part anyway. I just know what it's like to share
EVERY FUCKING THING there is to know about me & unfortunately, to this
day, still deal w/betrayal. I'm just cautious now. Maybe more than I
should be but *shrugs*

The Drive..

Every week I drive at least 8hrs JUST to drop off & pick up my boy. It
used to take a toll on me but now I just appreciate my drive along the
coast, my palm trees, my music & I even dance in the V.

A lot of things go through my mind when driving back to where I'm from.
Such as how much I miss my cities. Yesterday I was driving through
streets I didn't even recognize knowing I'd constantly be on them 2-3
yrs back. Bad experiences made me choose to not go back but now I'm
anxious to retrieve that knowledge back. I mean, when Brooklyn came
through for his 1st trip to Cali, I was able to show him around. I don't
think I'm able to do that today. Everything seems so different to me
now, even the people.

The sense of a community is non-existent. Only the ones chasing after
money, "the scene" & "a good time" remain. So then I think what makes
one want to go back to something that is no longer the same. It can't
just be the memories of what it once was.

Then it arrives. That beautiful reminder of what you fell in love with
in the first place. Creativity, diversity & great conversation w/people
that you've never met before in life. THAT'S what makes my birthplace,
if you ask me. The people that are still lost or think they know
themselves well but are obviously unhappy make the city as well. Without
them, there'd be no need or appreciation for those humble people you've
managed to keep around.

Donny Goines came out to L.A. For the first time. & he loved it. He
mentioned how people aren't as phony as he thought they would be. I was
a bit surprised but he also said, "That's why it's important to have
good people in constant rotation to stay grounded."

I couldn't agree more. Thanks for the reminder Donny.